Where Tea is Sweet and Accents are Sweeter

Last days of college

So, for those of you who don’t know, today was my last day of college classes. Yes, I still have to go through the perils of finals week but lectures, attendance, etc are over for good. Unless somewhere down this journey I decide to step into the doors of grad school of course.. but for a few years at least, I am done. Now, I am not graduating in December. You may be asking yourself, “Why not?” Honestly, I had an answer 6 months ago, but today I am wishing I was done. I don’t know if it’s being burnt out that has brought me to this decision, or the lack of job and/or internship for next semester with pay so I can keep living in my apartment. But, either way I wish I was graduating in 2 weeks. 

I had an offer for an internship, but had to turn it down because it was full-time unpaid. I am hoping I didn’t make the wrong decision. When I first decided to stay the full four years at Clemson it was because I found out 6 months before December graduation I could graduate (I did not feel prepared in the least bit), and I was under the impression I could keep my financial aid by enrolling in an internship course. Now, I found out I do not get to keep it and I am wondering what I will be doing a month from now. 

Oh well, God has a plan and I made the best decision for me.. I’m just waiting to see why and what that is.

On a better note, my boyfriend got an interview today :) At least one of us is figuring out life. 

Doubt

Doubt is driving me insane. I am doubting everything in my life right now, but I think it is just the stage I am at with all of the decisions that need to be made. As Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are gonna get.” One of the simplest and truest quotes I have ever heard. You really do not know which way life will take you. My boyfriend and I have talked about engagement, marriage, jobs, kids and it used to bring light into my eyes and now it brings a deer in the headlights stare. Not because I don’t want all those things, I do. And not because I don’t want all of those things with him, I do. But because I realize it is all happening oh so fast! I am 21 years old and the idea of marriage is not far fetched. I have always wanted it, but did not always think it would happen. Now that it is becoming a reality my head is getting “cold feet.” UGH

I grew up wanting all the hard and fast answers in life. I wanted to know when this was going to happen, at what point I was going to do this this or this, when I would go to college, where (I had my college picked out before high school), what grades I would make, what I would be doing the next week, month, even year (I live by my color coded agenda). I bet you thinking to yourself, “Man.. she is OCD to a fault!” Yes, yes I am. It keeps me amazingly organized but allows for no spontaneity (which surprisingly I love), and it makes me start to doubt the things that could lead to the unknown, and those that are already unknown.

For now I am just going to take life as it comes, try not to worry about what could and may be, and just see where it leads me. I am going to embrace the fact that I have a loving boyfriend instead of question it by telling my head to stop overriding my heart and to SHUT UP. I am just going to try and be me for a while, minus the planner happy version, and see where it takes me. (thanks to my therapy session with my mama)

Forrest Gump: “What is my destiny, Mama?”
Mrs. Gump: “You’re gonna have to figure that out for yourself.”

What is my destiny? I don’t know.. I’m just going to have to figure it out as life goes on, step by step, day by day. Life is too short for every second to be planned out.

Change is a good thing.. right?!

So, life seems to be moving faster and faster. In 7 months I am supposed to have a job, a life plan, know who and what I want to be and honestly I still feel naive to this whole “life” thing. My friend and I were just talking about how much we have changed over the years, and while most of it was for the good.. wardrobe choices, talking like we are in msn chat 24/7, drooling over any guy who looked our way..I still wonder if some of it wasn’t necessary. College is a time for change and finding yourself.. what if you find you aren’t ready to change, grow up, embrace life. What if you still feel like a little girl who is playing dress up. I know that when I went to the Career Fair a few weeks ago I put on my pencil skirt, ruffled button down blouse, peep toe black heels, and I turned to look at myself in the mirror and I swear for a split second I saw this reflection of 5 year old me in my mom’s clothes, too big for me shoes, and red lipstick used as blush.. then I realized this is me. This is my time. I am growing up.. but I still do not feel grown up. 21 years old is an adult and in my mom’s life she was married for 3 years with a 1 year old baby girl.. but in my life.. I don’t feel ready for it all. I guess I am scared of what life has in store.. career choices (I don’t know what I want to be when I grown up), marriage, kids, LIFE.. I may just be scared it is rushing by too fast. Where did the time go in between 5 years old and 21 years old? Either way, I want to stay a little girl playing dress up so I don’t take myself too seriously. Life is what you make it and I want to make it my playground of opportunities to succeed, fail, be scared to death, and so excited I could squeal. 

Just taking this one day at a time, with 5 year old toddler steps.